five notes, brought to you by the new york half

1. Werkestatte is open. The space is lovely, the current exhibition by Robert Rahway lovelier, and the gallery's co-owner is the fairest of them all. If I knew anything about art (or writing), I'd write about it all, but I don't.

2. When I tell people about my new job, the recognition of the label name is not instant. This is normal, but the look of disbelief on their faces after I namecheck a few of the label's top artists is not. And for a certain sort, it's not a "congratulations, that's a great job!" look, but a "why on earth would you sell your soul to the devil?" kind of look.

To a certain extent, I can understand that kind of look; at the same time, it overlooks a hell of a lot of details (as I suppose most things do.) That I don't care to try to find myself a place working for bands I really enjoy is the result of many lessons learned over the past six years. I've worked for amazing bands who never saw a dime from their releases, for amazing bands who turned out to be assholes, and for amazing bands that should have been huge but for the fact that their fans just can't be bothered to buy music anymore. It's been in the last couple of years that I've learned that some of the best things I've worked on and learned the most from are releases that I can't personally relate to whatsoever; for me, it's all about giving myself a chance to learn more and to have more opportunities for effective marketing strategies. It's about opening doors by way of having established names and a successful catalog. And it's far too early in the game to say this with certainty, but it's also about having a staff that's actually well-put together and communicative enough to really get things done.


At the same time, I feel like you can say whatever you want about the quality of the music generally found on modern rock radio, but there's one thing you can say for their fanbases that you can't say for a lot of amazing bands on the fringe. These fans buy records. The sales numbers prove it; the fact that my mom actually owns a CD by one of these bands is a great place to start. It's amazing to be able to think of new and creative ways to bring a release to people's attention and know that there's actually a market there for it. For whatever reason, these bands have a certain level of loyalty attributed to them.

(For a long time, I thought people listened to modern alternative rock because it's what was presented to them, as if they were being force-fed. I know a lot of people who still have this opinion, and I think it's both alarming and a bunch of bunk. You can lead sixty million people to an album, but you can't make them buy it unless they really want it.)

At the end of the day, I've always carried a certain level of naivete about me when it comes to my work environment, but I'm quite convinced that that's what's kept me from being one of those people who hates the very idea of having a job. This leads me into a completely different segue, but first I would like to note that as lovely as the "new Radiohead model" is, I think it's complete bullshit that early stats show only about half the people ordering the record are paying for it. What was that I was saying about fan loyalty? That seriously makes me ill to think about.

3. On the subject of "having day jobs", I've long had a running argument with a friend of mine who cannot understand why in god's name I would want to have one. (My argument for it is really very simple - working for someone else gives me the stability that someone with a chronic illness and a shit ton of student loan bills needs. I could add to that a number of things, including my fondness for routine, my general appreciation for having a higher-up from which I can learn new things, and the fact that I'm not smart or creative enough to have my own thing going.)

That said, it seems funny to me that we're currently at a breaking point in our business relationship where I've realized that what's making me most unhappy is the fact that I'm working for someone else. There's only so much creative input I can have when I'm battling other voices; there's only so much I physically have time to do; there's only so much I can take, period. And at the end of the day, a lot of my hard work translates into a finished product that I'm totally blase about, while I struggle to make time for any ideas I have on the side.

(It is my general belief that I pile things on to my plate in order to ensure that I never get to those ideas on the side, because I don't believe for a second I can carry them out. This has been today's completely disheartening theme, and I wouldn't be surprised if it has some link to the fact that I have been so nauseous all day I could barely make it down the street for a Gatorade.)

But I am not a quitter and I don't give up all too easily; I'm questioning decisions even as I'm thinking they were a long time coming. At the same time, I feel like I'm on the verge of literally ending a marriage. I have lived alongside this other person for years, and we have been remarkably close; it is because we have always clicked that we ever did business together in the first place. It is because we care so much about each other that we've been able to work things out for so long, and it's because I care so much that I've spent my week silently torn up over the feeling that what I'm doing is not quite right, but that I can't continue on like that.

(And possibly, worse: the feeling that there was absolutely no one around to talk to about it.)

I will say this: any marriage is hard, whether it's a paper one or a marriage of the minds. It does, however, not seem worth throwing away when someone sends you a text message and adds at the end "I'm in Canada and this is costing me a lot of money, so you know I love you."

4. Let's not talk about my oven and how the new one I have been promised is nowhere in site. Trust me on this one, because I cannot think of a single thing that makes me angrier or more unhappy. (And I can think of a lot of things right now that make me angry and unhappy.)

5. This is all to say that all I ate today was a banana, so I'm surprised I'm not hallucinating pink elephants at the moment. How people can fast is completely beyond me, because girl cannot live on vegetable broth and Gatorade alone. Being sick - particularly without a butler of some kind - can go to hell.